So I went back to the doctor this morning and, just as we knew it probably would be, the sac was still empty. It had gotten bigger, but alas, there was no bean-like thing sitting inside waiting to turn into a child.
I am ok with it. I knew what to expect and I had accepted the idea that this wasn't going to be a baby weeks ago. Now the scary part, though. Whereas my last miscarriage was futher along and ended with a D & C, this time they want it to happen naturally, if it can. And that part terrifies me. The doctor made it sound like no big deal, but he also told me the recovery time for my laparoscopic surgery was two days.
Two days later I still couldn't stand up straight and had to go to work in sweatpants to accommodate the swelling. I know he was probably trying to scare me as little as possible, but now I'm on to him and I'm leary. Then again, plenty of women have gone through this and survived, so maybe it won't be as hellish and gory as I'm envisioning.
Still, given the way the day started, I am avoiding my e-mail inbox like the plague. I can handle one piece of bad news. But put it together with more rejection and hand it to me in a big red bow, and I guarantee I will cry. And I HATE crying. It's not something I do very often, but it seems that once I start, any little thing sets me on fresh bender. Do I really need to hear that I suck at conceiving AND suck at writing, all in the same day? I think not.
Besides, I've been waiting since the end of October to hear back on two of those queries. I can probably assume they are big fat R's by now, but what difference will it make to wait one more day? Instead of bad news, I'll overindulge in something else. Like maybe a good book ; )