This isn't Goodbye it's Simply See You Later... Or is it?

Here we are on the brink of a new year. I'm not sure how 2021 went by so fast (seriously, I still haven't processed that 2020 is actually over) but I do have some goals in mind for 2022. 

My son enjoying the ocean on Jekyll Island in June during
a brief drop in Covid-19 numbers

First on the list? Start querying again.

It sounds easy enough. I'm no stranger to the process, I know the drill. I know rejection is part of that process.

And therein lies the problem.

In August of 2019 I wrote this post about why I was walking away from writing for a while. To make a long story short, it had a lot to do with dishonesty/disinterest from my publishers, parting ways with my agent, and getting ghosted by more than half the agents who requested my manuscript SHADOW PARK during my last attempt at querying. 

Since writing that post, I did a *major* rewrite to SHADOW PARK. And you know that feeling you get when you revise a manuscript, and it becomes clear that you gave the plot what it needed, and the story on the page is now exactly the story you set out to tell? 

That's how I felt when I finished this revision. 

With that much confidence in the rewrite, I should be positively vibrating with excitement to get out there and throw my hat back in the ring, right?

via GIPHY

Sure, there's a tiny part of my brain that's spewing all the right adages: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take!" "You'll never know unless you try!" "The only way to fail is to stop trying!"

But then there's the logical voice in my head, piping up loud and clear to remind me, "You've been down this road, and publishing was the truck that ran you over and kept driving."

via GIPHY

I just don't know if I can do it. 

On Wednesday I was feeling nostalgic about my book BUSTED, as I usually do around this time of year, since it's set in November-December and takes place on a Christmas tree farm.

I decided, for the first time in a very long time, to try and give it a boost via a giveaway on Tik Tok. Yes, I have barely any followers there, but their algorithm has been kind to some of my other #booktok posts, so I gave it a whirl. And of course, shared it to my other social media accounts. Here's the video:

@ginaciocca

The winter book of my ❤ ##booktok ##yabooktok ##booktokchallenge ##giveaway ##authorsoftiktok ##AmazonMusicJingleBellTok

♬ Christmas Tree Farm - Taylor Swift

I've learned not to expect much from any effort at book promo, but I'm always hopeful that my expectations will be exceeded. They weren't. Instead, my tip-toe back into author territory got a whopping two entries, and brought to the surface all the reasons I walked away in the first place: those ever-present feelings of not being enough. The constant wondering why no one cares. The beating myself up because it must be me, must be my fault if I can't make them care. Questioning my ability to write at all, because if no one else cares, then how can I claim that this is the thing I'm good at? 

This is why every time I even think about sending a query, I freeze. It's still so fresh in my mind: the waiting and waiting and waiting, the stopping of my heart when the reply finally pops up in my inbox. The dejection of rejection. The hopefulness of getting a request. The disappointment when it leads nowhere.

I honestly don't know if my self-esteem can take those hits again. It's one thing to love writing, but writers need their words to touch others. We need validation, we need an audience. We need people to care about our stories. We need ACCEPTANCE in an industry where the rejection is endless.

I put writing on the back burner because it was what my mental health needed at the time. But I don't feel "done." I still very much want to share my books with others. Especially SHADOW PARK, because I love it so much. I just don't know how to steel myself to inevitably having my words pushed back at me like an unwanted dinner plate, accompanied by a kind but insincere "No, thank you." I already know that feeling, and it nearly broke me once.

So how do I do this? How do I get the courage to start? How do I remind myself that rejection isn't personal, that it only takes one "Yes?" And then how do I keep pushing for that "yes" in a sea of "no?" How do I convince myself that I did this before and I can do it again? 

Because I already know all of those things, and I'm still paralyzed.

In the post I linked to from August, I mentioned that the aggravation and disappointment I'd been through didn't feel worth it without a bright side to balance the scales. And maybe that's why I can't bring myself to take the first step.

Because when I ask, Will it be worth it this time? I have no way of knowing. And the answer to that question is the "Yes" I need the most.