Get Your Pitch On workshops have officially started!
Once again, you can find the list of participating blogs here. Please hop around the other entrants' pitches, and remember to be kind and helpful with your critique! (And also, there are incentives!)
Here's the pitch we're spotlighting at Gina's Writer's Blog today:
Title: SATELLITE HEARTS
Genre: YA Sci-fi
Pitch: At sixteen years old, Zahra’s only purpose in life is to kill and then die. Zahra is a synthetic human (Prog) genetically designed by her father and encrypted with instructions to assassinate his recent project, Sycorax, a deadly Prog. Declared property of her father’s genetic alteration company, Zarha is exiled from her country to Antarcion, a prestige Facility that offers intense training for Progs. There she meets her target victim.
I really love those first two sentences - cyborg assassin? Yes, please! I'd suggest streamlining them a little, removing some extra words for the sake of flow, and also to eliminate confusion. Like so:
Sixteen-year-old Zahra's only purpose in life is to kill.
- I removed "and die" from the sentence, because I think it creates a lot of questions - for example, does she die immediately after her kill is made, like some kind of black widow mating ritual? Why does she have to die just because she kills? Does she become someone else's target? Etc. I think it's strong enough without the mention of dying.
Zahra is a Prog, a synthetic human designed by her father and encrypted with instructions to assassinate his recent (*) project-gone-wrong, Sycorax.
- Here, I took out "deadly Prog," because it seems to me that deadly kind of comes with the Prog territory. And I'd love a word or two added about *WHY* Zahra has to kill Sycorax. Is it because he's actually her father's (*) project-gone-wrong (I made this up and stuck in the pitch as an example)?" Something to indicate what's at stake, rather than making the killing sound random or for sport.
The last two sentences are where things get tricky - or at least they're supposed to. Here's how they're written now:
Declared property of her father’s genetic alteration company, Zarha is exiled from her country to Antarcion, a prestige Facility that offers intense training for Progs. There she meets her target victim.
- What we need is a sense of conflict - Zahra being sent off for training doesn't seem important except for the fact that it's where she meets her target - and then what? What is the aspect of this story that turns everything on it's head?
- Does Zahra fall in love with Sycorax? Does she find out there's another reason she has to kill him, one that she never suspected? Is Sycorax simultaneously hunting her?
These last sentences should really make the reader *NEED* to find out what happens to this character. The problem is, we can assume we already know - Zahra is assigned a target, kills him/her, and dies, because that's what you've told us she was born to do, and there's nothing to indicate otherwise.
End on something really juicy, and people will be chasing this pitch with a fork and knife. At least I know I would!
Okay, your turn, peeps!