Here's pitch #2 for our Get Your Pitch On workshops!
Genre: YA Fantasy/Adventure
Pitch: Can a dream open a door to a different reality? Alex finds himself sharing the same dream night after night with a group of young teens he's never met before. While struggling to make sense of the eerie phenomenon, he and his nocturnal companions undertake a harrowing adventure of mystery and danger to save a boy’s life. Before the surprising conclusion, they bond and become forever DreamHoppers.
I think this pitch has a lot of potential. I love the idea of dreams opening up doors to different realities, but I'd have to strongly advise you to:
- Get rid of the rhetorical question. As someone who's done her share of querying, I know it's a huge pet peeve to many a publishing professional. The pitch should be formulated so that the reader is left asking *themselves* the big questions - namely the ones that will make them want to keep reading. Posing a question they can't answer doesn't help them to know more about why they want to read your story, so you don't lose anything by chopping it.
- The second sentence is great. I love that he finds himself in a recurring dream with people he knows, but at the same time, doesn't know. It's actually a great way to open the pitch.
My only question is how he knows they're real people having the same dream, as opposed to people he just happens to dream of every night.
- The last two sentences need to paint a clearer picture of the conflict. Saying the boys take on a harrowing/mysterious/dangerous adventure is telling, when we need you to show us.
For example, why is it dangerous? Why does this particular boy's life need saving? How is he related to their mysterious dream phenomenon? What is it that throws a wrench into everything? A few words about the meat of the conflict will create much more interest than non-specific adjectives and nouns.
- Same thing for the last sentence. We're not really aware what a DreamHopper is or does, or even how or why they'd be one "forever." But using the word forever allows the reader to assume that becoming a DreamHopper *is* the conclusion of the story, which negates the promised "surprise" aspect of the next sentence. Again - show us what's surprising, rather than telling us.
Other than that, fabulous concept that definitely has the potential to wow. Best of luck!